Hello!
[tap tap tap]
Is this thing on?
[Screeeeeeech]
Hey, I guess so!
I find it rather difficult to believe that it's been 13 years since I last posted here; a lot of life has happened since then, along with distraction via Social Media!
But I thought it was about time to dust this blog off, oil the hinges, and figure out where to go from here -- and this is a part of an effort to re-orient myself. It's tempting to say I'm trying to "reinvent" myself, but I'm not trying to reinvent myself, so much as ... try to find my original self, and try to be true to who I am.
Several months ago -- make that a year and a half or so -- I attended a presentation on a company that uses Virtual Reality games for companies to use as team-building exercises. I had the opportunity to try out the team-building exercises; in the first demo afterward, I discovered the horrors of being attacked by a troll! I didn't want to let this experience scar me for life, though, so I went through two or three more rounds. Perhaps too many, because I needed to get home for a family trip!
As I drove home from that activity, I had a rather devastating thought: "Everything you have been doing up to this point is wrong!" Really? Everything?!? As I have reflected on this over the months, I have concluded that, well, maybe not everything, but I nonetheless needed to reconsider things.
On February 7th, 2024, I had a very clarifying moment: I watched a video on YouTube, and the video convinced me that I'm autistic. Now, it sounds silly to say it this way -- "you watched a video? pfft!" but between having a daughter and a brother diagnosed with autism, and another daughter who had just gone through an evaluation (and was later confirmed to be autistic too), and both my wife and I had suspicions about myself for several years now, it wasn't exactly a sudden revelation. It's also just a tad dangerous to click on a video titled 9 Signs You're Actually NOT Autistic... thinking "Let's settle this once and for all!"
This discovery launched me into learning a lot more about autism, but it nonetheless took me a couple of months to stumble onto why I related to some autistic experiences -- both in YouTube videos and in books -- but not others. On April 5th, 2024, I stumbled onto An Introduction to AuDHD and discovered I have ADHD as well, everything clicked into place!
So, where do I go from here? I'm still trying to figure that out, but one thing I am currently convinced of, is that I cannot continue down the path I have taken: putting out applications to everything I see, struggling to network because I'm terrified to talk to others, trying to get a "classic" 9-to-5 job with two weeks vacation every year, perhaps with the nice energy of a startup or the nice stability of an established company, only to burn out, or have the company burn out, or both, and then be let go, lather, rinse, repeat. I realize now that the burnout I suffered was more than likely the "autistic burnout" that comes as a result of the constant mostly-unconscious "masking" of my traits to fit in, the constant evaluation and re-evaluation of everything I said or did, to see what I could learn from it, and, between work and family duties, the inability to ever find rest!
Thus, I am considering my options. I have the impression that part-time short-term contacts with longish breaks in between would be a productive path -- if I could find the contracts -- but finding these kinds of things are kindof hard when, due to intense social anxiety, I struggle to network with others.
I also cannot rule out seeking vocational training or disability. I cannot help but fear that vocational training for autistics will be "here's how to interview!" or "here's how to fit in with your colleagues!" -- basically, stuff I have learned my entire life, and the kinds of things that have very likely been leading to my burnout -- but, as for disability, I cannot help but fear that this is "giving up", and that going down that route would limit me in ways I would find chaffing.
But, above all, I have reflected on two things: First, that I have seemed to thrive the most when I was in school (likely due to the combination of a schedule that satisfies my autistic need to have a schedule, of a variety of topics and activities that satisfy my ADHD need for constant stimulation, and of the longish breaks I could take in the library and during summer, spring, and Christmas vacations, enabling me to "recharge" myself to prevent burnout); and Second, that I love to create things, to design things, to make things out of random items I have at hand, and to explore and discover new things. I cannot help but suspect that if I could just structure my own life, and figure out how to explore, I would be on solid footing!
I have signed up for a waitlist for an evaluation. Insomuch that I may need to try occupation therapy or ADHD medication, this is a necessary step -- but the waitlists are long, and I cannot help but be a little unnerved when I have a family to support! And I am, day by day, trying to do a little something here or there, to push me forward, even if just a little bit. After more than two years of unemployment, I have struggled to have the energy to do things, but if I can take things a day at a time, I'm sure things will work out!
I have this notion that, contrary to popular belief, Free Market Capitalism is fundamentally based on helping each other out -- that the Free Market is the very Communism that Marxists believe will come once they establish a bloody dictatorship and let that dictatorship miraculously "whither away" -- but this only works because individuals are out there figuring out for themselves what their needs are, and figuring out for themselves what their abilities are, and then figuring out for themselves how to best match those abilities and needs. This is distressing, when I'm autistic, and all I want is to be left alone to do my own thing! But there's an escape hatch, too: I don't just want to do things on my own. I want to tell other people about what I do, too! (Whether that person likes it or not .... sigh, there's always a catch, isn't there?)
Now, on this is Day of Infamy -- it is the dreaded "Dependence Day" that I had posted about before, but not regularly (both because I didn't want this blog to become a yearly announcement of the "Day of Infamy", and because I've never been all that great at keeping track of dates) -- I suppose it is a fitting to declare that I am now seeking for Independence. I will scale back my efforts to try to "fit in" with the "real world", push forward with my strengths, and hope for the best!
Will this work? I don't know. I figure that, if all else fails, and I'm really not "fit for work" in any sort of way, disability may just be there for me, if the National Debt doesn't come crashing down first.
Oh, and I'll likely need to ask for donations, too. At least, at some point, because "designing things" at random isn't likely to pay the bills. I don't have a link for that, though, because I have no idea what I'm doing, and I'm just taking it a day at a time!
No comments:
Post a Comment