Several years ago, I encountered a fantastic recommendation via Youtuber CGP Grey: Themes as an alternative to Resolutions. The idea is simple: resolutions are too specific and almost always fail, so why don't you choose a "theme" as a guide for your actions for the year? (Or better yet, the season, since seasons are shorter and more manageable).
For example, I made 2024 the year of "Taking Flight" -- both because I have a strong interest in aviation, and because I have been unemployed for a while, and I wanted be ready to "fly" again with whatever came my way. While I cannot say that I succeeded with employment (I'll get to that in "State of the Blogger"), I can nonetheless be happy that I actually flew a plane (it was very brief, and it was a little terrifying, but I also realize that I'd be less terrified if I had a few lessons under my belt), I got to ride on another small-ish airplane with three of my children (and their first flight), and I was able to attend several Experimental Aviation Association meetings. I'd like to think I did pretty well with "Taking Flight"!
In addition to that, I also picked up a couple of projects and carried them to completion -- because I like to make things, but I don't make that as much of a priority as I'd like. I've been meaning to create videos describing these projects, but nonetheless, these projects also represent attempts to "take flight" ... and they also inspired my theme for this year:
The Year of Creation
If there's anything I've come to realize about myself, it is that I enjoy creating things, whether it be designing things on paper, or actually making things with my hands. Indeed, the two projects I worked on -- a prototype for a "computer easel" and a model for an "armadillo trailer" -- are things I have designed and redesigned over and over again, usually doodling in Church or in other meetings. Since I have neglected this tendency somewhat over the years, I figure that 2025 would be a good year to lean into it!
Naturally, I hope that this expands into something interesting career-wise, but if not, I at least hope I can enjoy myself, even when things seem difficult .... which brings me to ....
The State of the Blogger
At the end of September, I accepted an internship at a company that produces user interfaces for command-line tools for simulations. Although it was part-time, had no benefits, and doesn't pay what I'm used to, I thought it would be prudent both to apply and to take the position, for a couple of reasons:
First, I wanted to see how well I could fit into such an environment. For many years, I have worked as a software engineer, primarily in web development, but with some data analysis as well; I wanted to see if I can handle work where the focus was in physics simulations. At the end of 2023, I had earned a certificate in Finite Element Analysis -- I took the class because, for years, I wondered if this would be an interesting direction -- but I came away thinking that, sure, I have fairly good computer programming instincts, and my mathematical foundations are sound, but I'm not entirely comfortable enough with physics or engineering to set up these models by myself. I wanted to know if there was room on an engineering team for someone who can run simulations with "hand-holding" from people who understand the modelling aspect.
Second, I wanted to know if I could work part-time without burning out. For many years, I have gone through cycles of looking for work, getting hired, starting out positions that seem exciting ... and then burning out. I have always attributed this to being a "poor fit" for the positions I held, and I often wondered if I just needed to find the "right career" -- but now that I better understand autism and ADHD, and have some idea of how these conditions affect my work, I wanted to see if I can handle limited work.
Third, I had hoped I could see how well I can handle things outside of work -- in particular, I wanted to pursue my own projects! -- but I also wanted to see how well extended free time would help prevent burnout.
So, it's been three months. What are the results? I am not one who enjoys saying an experiment failed because the results didn't come out as expected (which is a colloquial habit I have!) -- a "failed" experiment is a data point, an opportunity for learning, and a time to reflect on and revise our understanding of the world. It is nonetheless tempting to say that this particular experiment failed, however, because of confounding factors, that made it difficult to "read" whether I could handle such work.
Ever since I completed my last blog post on cryptography in October, I've been thinking about how I'm getting close to finishing the "atoms", and am almost ready to move on to "molecules" -- but I stalled out on this, procrastinating on taking the next steps, both because my energy was drawn in other directions, and because I got tired. While I may have gone silent during this time, I had a burst of creativity for the first three or four weeks, exploring several weird topics, and even thinking things like "hey, maybe these would be good blog posts!"
And then, at the end of October, the confounding event happened: we got notification that our income had increased enough that we no longer qualified for Medicaid, and thus needed to focus a lot of energy on the process of getting Marketplace insurance for November. I tried applying immediately, but each time, I got the message "Sorry, you qualify for Medicaid, you can't apply for a plan right now!" reinforced by the State responding "Yep, these folks qualify for Medicaid! Don't worry about plans!" After about a week of back and forth with this, a Marketplace Representative finally recommended I just apply for a plan on November 1st. I was desperate for insurance because I had an evaluation coming up!
And so I did apply on November 1st -- and was told "Yep, you qualify, and your plan starts December 1st!" -- which launched me into a month-long appeals process. By the end of the month, I got a weird message of "yep, you qualify for Medicaid in November after all", but this seems to be independent of the appeals process -- I now have a meeting scheduled for tomorrow, January 7th, to discuss this appeal.
I went ahead with the evaluation, even with the specter of potentially having to pay for it, because (in my mind at least) it's an important puzzle for what I'm trying to figure out! For the record, I have really high spatial reasoning, but my "active memory" is normal, and my "inhibition" is very low. And yes, I have ADHD and I'm autistic. I'm still waiting for the formal report, but I'm figuring that my next steps are to get an occupational therapy sensory evaluation, and to see if medicines for ADHD will help me focus more. (For years, I've been wary about medicating ADHD, but now that I understand how medication might help, I'm a lot more open to trying something -- but I'm going in with my eyes as open as I can make them, keeping in mind that these medications don't help everyone!)
Which brings me to December, the end of which I had an initial evaluation of my internship. The co-worker I've been working with said that the team is impressed with my logical skills, and can see I write good tests -- however, they are concerned about the time I took on one of the projects -- and thus decided to extend the internship by a month, to see how things go. On my end? I found myself already somewhat burned out, although I find that when I work for 5 hours a day, my ADHD tendencies are generally kept under control -- indeed, in the two days during the holiday weeks that I worked close to full-time (to make up for hours, somewhat, on the four days I didn't work), I found that it was much more difficult to focus on work -- but I also nonetheless concluded that my experience with 3D programming and Finite Element Analysis can be assets for a team trying to run physical simulations.
I had also hoped that finances would work out so that I could take a full two weeks off for Christmas and New Year's, but alas, it was not to be, so I cannot evaluate how an extended break may help with preventing burnout. Additionally, the insurance fiasco took its toll -- this is a confounding factor that makes me want to say this experiment failed, but then again, isn't it the case that no matter what work I do, I have to worry about how life may intrude on things? So, even to the degree this was a "confounding" factor, I should nonetheless consider it an important data point, too.
And thus, I am left with these conclusions:
- I am still convinced I cannot work 8 hour days, and now fear I can barely handle 5 hour days; I nonetheless need to keep in mind that this may be a mental roadblock, and not an actual limitation;
- I nonetheless need to remind myself of this: We often hear messages that basically say "Buck up and just deal with it!" and "Our ancestors had to just deal with their problems!" -- and while it is valuable to keep these kinds of things in mind, it's also important to remember that (1) "Just deal with it" includes figuring out your limitations, and accommodating them, and (2) our ancestors often dealt with these issues by laying down and dying, sometimes even by their own hand -- or by "handling" them via begging and kindness of others (and here I am imagining how, before wheelchairs and Braille were invented, the paralyzed had to rely on being carried everywhere, and the blind relied on people reading to them) -- and that, while I have enough understanding about family history to know that my ancestors did, indeed, just deal with their pain ... let's just say that there's plenty of room for improvement for how they could have handled some of their issues!;
- That I can probably handle 3D and simulation work, particularly if I can figure out how to do these things in "small doses" (eg, contractual positions that last only three or four or six months);
- Nonetheless, I don't think I can handle the networking and job-hunting required to find such positions (and no, I don't know how to square this circle just yet!);
- That I really enjoy creating things, and that perhaps there's room in that direction to help me thrive;
- While I understand the appeal that some have for getting away from home and going to the office, I nonetheless appreciate the privilege of working from home (a privilege not yet granted by my internship) -- and I also appreciate getting out of both the home and the office!;
- It's a pity that pilot lessons are so expensive, and I'm almost certainly too old to pursue a career in flight anyway;
- I don't know if I could pull it off, but I think I need to push myself to post on my blog daily, or at least three or four times a week ....
Regardless, I need to take things a day at a time, and hope for the best.
And, who knows? Maybe this will be the year I get my own computer easel and portable office, and have the opportunity to use both .... (I cannot help but reflect on how so much of my design has focused on portable things -- and how I have a strong desire to explore the world (likely driven by an ADHD-fueled need for novelty) but nonetheless bring with me a consistent environment I can easily retreat to (likely driven by an autistic need for order and routine).)
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