I still aintn't dead, but I've been at various states of "invisibly active" and "invisibly inactive" for the past several months. I have done a lot of research into dual quaternions until it petered out, and I have started new work as a "junior engineer" -- I enjoy the work, but it leaves me with absolutely no energy when I am done, making me wonder "how can I both enjoy my work and be miserable at the same time?". This only reinforces my notion that I cannot work full time, even though I kindof want to.
Having said that, I have started taking lisdexamphetamine, and I am amazed at how well I could focus on my work compared to all the other times I've worked. At one point, I tried guanfacine as well, but it made me tired and my mind as slow as molasses (which, in turn, made me completely unproductive the two months I was trying it).
I tried guanfacine because I was blaming my inability to sleep on racing thoughts and distractability I'd get when lisdexamfetamine wore off (as if my mind were trying to "catch up" on all the lost "turbo mode" thinking that had been dampened during the day) -- but it seems that no matter what I try, no matter how tired I am, I can only go to bed at around 2am Mountain Time. At this point, I think I need to figure out how to sleep in, or maybe how I could have a "sunrise" at 3am to reset my circadian rhythms to a time that fits in the schedules of everyone around me.
Naturally, I've thought about burnout a lot during these last few months, and from what I have learned, I get to experience four different types of burnout, often mixed together at the same time! As an autistic, I get to be burned out when I have to socialize a lot, and am never sure if I'm saying or doing the right things. As an ADHD dopaminer, I naturally over-extend myself until I am overwhelmed. As an employee (heck, as a stay-at-home Dad) I get the imbalance of the tasks I'm expected to do vs the "pay" I "get" (I put these in quotes because draining my energy on making doctor's appointments or working overtime leave me little energy to spend time with family or pursue my own projects and ideas, things that no amount of money can make up for!). Finally -- and this has only become obvious to me as I've slowly watched my ability to think deteriorate over the last few weeks of staying up late, waking up early, coming home to nap, and still being too tired -- I have realized that I'm burning out on being unable to sleep the way I am wired to sleep!
So, where does that leave me? My current position is temporary unless I could figure out how to move with my employer when he moves to be closer to family (and thus to flight testing grounds!); for my part, I want to follow him, but I cannot continue working the way I am currently trying to do. I need to figure out how to sleep in more often, and how to be more productive in the evening, and how to carve out time for myself. Perhaps part-time semi-remote is in my future -- perhaps I need to seek "funding" for research, likely via small donations, and forge ahead with the things I have always wanted to do.
One thing in particular that has been on my mind: When I try to write a blog post a day, I tell myself "I'll only spend an hour" and end up spending all day writing up something. I think I need to step back and figure out how to do small blog posts, and maybe take only one day per week or month or somewhere in between to work on something bigger. I cannot help but think that if I am going to ask for donations, I need to do "something" for those who donate!
